How Divorce Affects Friendships
No one can anticipate how divorce affects friendships until the experience hits home. Husbands and wives are not the only casualties of a marital breakup, but family and close friends are sometimes lost in the fray. Couples who shared laughter and tears with a close knit group of neighbors, coworkers, or acquaintances may find that ending a marriage also ends other relationships. Former partners soon discover how divorce affects friendships when the phone ceases to ring, emails go unanswered, and invitations to go for coffee are at first slim and then none. There are several reasons why long-standing relationships fail after divorce. Many people are embarrassed to discuss the breakup. Others feel ill at ease in the company of half of what once was a whole couple. Still more feel forced to take one partner's side over the other, but dividing allegiances can be difficult. Although the pain of losing a husband or wife is compounded by the loss of close shared friends, people contemplating divorce should be prepared to lose all but the faithful. "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you" (Matthew 5:11-12).
For intimate associates of both the husband and wife, witnessing a marital break up can be unnerving. How divorce affects friendships is evident by how associates deal with the couple who are no longer together. Divorce is like having an 800-pound gorilla in the room: everyone knows it is huge and dangerous, but no one knows exactly what to do. Because the "gorilla" of divorce refuses to go away, those who are in its company may eventually decide to leave. They are at a loss for words; and expressions of sorrow seem inadequate. The ex-spouse is still alive; therefore there is no body and no casket to bury. Conversations can be strained, especially when half of the formerly married couple may not be in attendance. And should a former mate choose to visit a favorite restaurant or venue in the company of someone other than the ex-husband or wife, friends of both partners will either respond in defense of one or offensively toward another. More importantly, there may be a fear that the specter of one couple's breakup could haunt others in the group. After a time, the embarrassment of responding to the pain and suffering of an emotionally distraught husband and wife is simply too much to bear. The 800-pound gorilla keeps right on sitting in the middle of the floor as former friends slip silently away.
Divided allegiances also result when couples with intimate associations decide to go their separate ways. But knowing how divorce affects friendships can help ex-spouses deal with cold shoulders, accusations, and innuendos. Divorce can divide best buddies the same way it severs marital ties. Usually, females side with females and males with males. If infidelity was the primary cause of marital dissolution, and the perpetrator was the husband, the wife's female friends will gather around like cowboys encircle a wagon. Everything the adulterer says or does is scrutinized, harshly criticized, evaluated and condemned. Male friends may be more forgiving; but how divorce affects friendships among men usually yields the same result: sides are clearly chosen for or against the ex-husband or ex-wife.
Couples who have been wounded by infidelity or marital woes must not allow a private battle to become a public altercation. While wounded spouses may certainly feel the need for support from family and friends, ending the marriage and all the events that led to its demise is a very personal matter. A husband or wife's dirty laundry need not be aired in the public; and close acquaintances should be discouraged from denigrating an ex-spouse. "For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil" (I Peter 3:10-12).
As former couples discover how divorce affects friendships, they will surely experience the hurt of having a dear friend become an enemy. The pain of losing a spouse and close associates, coworkers, or in-laws may seem unbearable, but life must go on. Ex-husbands and ex-wives must realize that the loss of relationships is part of the divorce process. Holding grudges, trying to explain one's role in the breakup, or attempting to mount a defense against allegations is fruitless. As time goes on the realization of how divorce affects friendships may cause those who separated themselves or wrongly accused either spouse to conclude that the end of a marriage does not require taking sides.
In spite of how ex-spouses who have been abandoned by friends, family members, and associates are treated, they should never attempt to retaliate, nor should details of the divorce be discussed, even when asked. The best recourse is to treat accusers with kindness and let the Lord mount a defense. Former husbands and wives should be sensitive to an ex-friend's embarrassment or ill feelings and forgive those who may wrongly judge them. Compounding the breakup by holding grudges or retaliating against one's accusers will only add additional hurt and forever close doors to friendships that could one day be rekindled. "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you: That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven..." (Matthew 5:44). Couples in crisis may soon discover that in spite of how divorce affects friendships, there will be opportunities to form new relationships as a new life is forged from the ashes of a dissolved marriage.
For intimate associates of both the husband and wife, witnessing a marital break up can be unnerving. How divorce affects friendships is evident by how associates deal with the couple who are no longer together. Divorce is like having an 800-pound gorilla in the room: everyone knows it is huge and dangerous, but no one knows exactly what to do. Because the "gorilla" of divorce refuses to go away, those who are in its company may eventually decide to leave. They are at a loss for words; and expressions of sorrow seem inadequate. The ex-spouse is still alive; therefore there is no body and no casket to bury. Conversations can be strained, especially when half of the formerly married couple may not be in attendance. And should a former mate choose to visit a favorite restaurant or venue in the company of someone other than the ex-husband or wife, friends of both partners will either respond in defense of one or offensively toward another. More importantly, there may be a fear that the specter of one couple's breakup could haunt others in the group. After a time, the embarrassment of responding to the pain and suffering of an emotionally distraught husband and wife is simply too much to bear. The 800-pound gorilla keeps right on sitting in the middle of the floor as former friends slip silently away.
Divided allegiances also result when couples with intimate associations decide to go their separate ways. But knowing how divorce affects friendships can help ex-spouses deal with cold shoulders, accusations, and innuendos. Divorce can divide best buddies the same way it severs marital ties. Usually, females side with females and males with males. If infidelity was the primary cause of marital dissolution, and the perpetrator was the husband, the wife's female friends will gather around like cowboys encircle a wagon. Everything the adulterer says or does is scrutinized, harshly criticized, evaluated and condemned. Male friends may be more forgiving; but how divorce affects friendships among men usually yields the same result: sides are clearly chosen for or against the ex-husband or ex-wife.
Couples who have been wounded by infidelity or marital woes must not allow a private battle to become a public altercation. While wounded spouses may certainly feel the need for support from family and friends, ending the marriage and all the events that led to its demise is a very personal matter. A husband or wife's dirty laundry need not be aired in the public; and close acquaintances should be discouraged from denigrating an ex-spouse. "For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil" (I Peter 3:10-12).
As former couples discover how divorce affects friendships, they will surely experience the hurt of having a dear friend become an enemy. The pain of losing a spouse and close associates, coworkers, or in-laws may seem unbearable, but life must go on. Ex-husbands and ex-wives must realize that the loss of relationships is part of the divorce process. Holding grudges, trying to explain one's role in the breakup, or attempting to mount a defense against allegations is fruitless. As time goes on the realization of how divorce affects friendships may cause those who separated themselves or wrongly accused either spouse to conclude that the end of a marriage does not require taking sides.
In spite of how ex-spouses who have been abandoned by friends, family members, and associates are treated, they should never attempt to retaliate, nor should details of the divorce be discussed, even when asked. The best recourse is to treat accusers with kindness and let the Lord mount a defense. Former husbands and wives should be sensitive to an ex-friend's embarrassment or ill feelings and forgive those who may wrongly judge them. Compounding the breakup by holding grudges or retaliating against one's accusers will only add additional hurt and forever close doors to friendships that could one day be rekindled. "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you: That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven..." (Matthew 5:44). Couples in crisis may soon discover that in spite of how divorce affects friendships, there will be opportunities to form new relationships as a new life is forged from the ashes of a dissolved marriage.
How Divorce Affects Friendships
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