Healing After Divorce For Kids

In most cases, healing after divorce for kids can be a complicated process lasting for decades. The main problem is that children tend to form allegiances to both parents, but a marital breakup makes them want to side with Mom or Dad. Additionally, some children blame themselves; therefore, parents need to exercise caution about sharing too many details. Both parents should assemble the kids and explain in terms easily understood why they felt the need to separate. Spouses should stress the fact that children are not to be blamed for an adult decision, and no one should be accused. Because children are not as adept as adults at hiding feelings, they may respond with anger and sudden outbursts. Parents should remain calm and try to diffuse anger if possible. When all else fails, allowing children time to sulk or express feelings of hurt, disappointment and rage may be the best course. "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things" (I Corinthians 13:11).



To deter children from blaming a parent, mom and dad should be determined to present a unified front. Healing after divorce for kids may be easier if spouses refrain from accusations when addressing the children. Discuss what areas should be shared and which ones should remain confidential. Young children and teens don't need to know names, dates and places pertinent to a parent's acts of infidelity. By preserving a guilty spouse's integrity, even when the facts warrant being angry or upset, kids can still love the offending partner without condemnation. Remember: the offending ex-spouse, while no longer married, will always be a parent. It is unfair to penalize a mother or father by denigrating them in front of a child. Healing after divorce for kids will require cooperation from both parents. If arrangements are viewed as amicable though unfortunate, youngsters may have a better chance of rebounding from hurt and disappointment. "Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things" (I Corinthians 13:4-7).



Spouses should also bear in mind that minors and teens will have serious concerns. Issues to be addressed include custody and living arrangements, visitation rights, and changes in school enrollment. Older siblings may have to forego college if relocating to live with one parent; and relocating in itself can be disconcerting. While child custody cases may be settled in court and written in black and white; the implications of such cases are neither black nor white, but written in blood, sweat and tears. A marital breakup, no matter what the cause, is going to cost parents and their offspring a great deal. Unless parents reconcile, holidays, vacations, and everyday life will forever be changed; and only love and a determination to make decisions in the best interest of the children can lessen the pain of healing after divorce for kids.



To facilitate healing after divorce for kids, ex-spouses may consider soliciting the aid of experienced clergy or professional counselors and psychologists. A neutral third party can provide insight and help families deal with issues of separation. Many children of divorced parents are so emotionally distraught that they will begin acting out in school. Hitting or fighting with peers and playmates, disrupting classroom activities, skipping classes and being absent from school, using illegal drugs or alcohol, and hanging around the wrong crowd are all indications that youth and teens are troubled by the breakup. A child may require several months of counseling in the company of the custodial parent with a pastor or professional.



Ex-spouses should understand that children may not adjust easily to a disruptive lifestyle change like divorce. To a minor, losing a father or mother to marital breakup is similar to losing that parent to death. The breakup of the family and dismantling of all that is held dear to a child can have devastating effects. Healing after divorce for kids requires constant care and cooperation from both parents. Adults must take time to patiently help children work through emotions, and answer questions as honestly as possible, again without placing blame on the non-custodial spouse. Similarly, parents who are absent from the child's every day life must make every effort to spend quality time during visitations. Scheduled visits should be filled with fun activities, and not used as an opportunity to berate Mommy or Daddy. Holidays, vacations, and breaks from school can be used to rekindle parent/child relationships and provide as much normalcy as possible for children undergoing emotional healing.



As youngsters mature they should be better able to begin healing after divorce for kids. Parents should ensure that lines of communication remain open. Each spouse should contribute towards parenting the child even though absent. Unless a minor would be abused or mistreated, custodial parents should refrain from violating non-custodial rights of visitation, even if either of them remarry. If a step parent objects to having an ex-spouse visit in the home, arrangements should be made for court-ordered visitations in a neutral place. Making lifestyle changes to accommodate a child and help facilitate healing after divorce for kids can mean a great deal. Although a product of divorce, children can enjoy a wholesome, healthy life if ex-spouses, clergy, and professional counselors will invest love, time and concern.